Thursday, July 1, 2010

Things I learned in visiting people in a hospital


When you hear this, its a pretty good indication a problem is happening somewhere. I heard that call while visiting family in the hospital. I peeped out into the hall way to see a man of my age holding an IV pole, which had his arm disconnected and dripped  with spurting blood everywhere. And I mean, for fuck sakes, everywhere. "DUDE clamp that thing!" I yelled as I rushed to grab a nurse. I can't stand blood. There was lots of it everywhere. Did I mention there was pools of it, including the arterial spray coming from his arm? He's ok now though - the nurse fixed him up.


This really old skinny guy wearing nothing but a diaper was sitting in a chair. At least, that's what I thought until I walked by and he scooted under his chair and OUT of it and began crawling on the hospital floor. Another yell for a nurse quickly got him back in the chair - with restraints. I've seen skeletons with more meat on the bones of this poor guy. He had this crazy look to him. Felt bad about that one.


Except ice. The ice is actually pretty good. The bread? It's just there for show. God knows how many people scrunched the loaf and touched every God damn piece with their dirty, feces-encrusted hands. But that's likely my imagination taking hold. There's really nothing to eat in a hospital kitchen. There's only cups, plastic containers, and shitty jam and whole wheat bread. Who eats this shit? Apparently the weird lady hanging out in the kitchen does. 


It costs 9.50 per day to rent shitty TV. Extra channels? 12.99 per day. And with that you get to watch television at a minimum of $295 per MONTH which is approximately 10 TIMES the normal cost of television you can get at home. Don't want to pay for TV? I hope you enjoy staring at the walls because that's what you're going to do if you don't pay for it. And did I mention the televisions are shitty 21 inch color TV's from 1985? 


Prepared in a distant western city and flash-frozen, these masterpieces of culinary madness made by Satan himself taste worse than anything I had ever tried before. Want chicken with rice? Mystery meat and gravy? Bland potatoes made from powder? Incoherently tasting meatloaf? Dried vegetables? All there. Pick your poison - a lovely choice of three meals which can only be eaten if you have no taste buds. There's a reason why the hospital cafeteria is there - so you have to BUY your own food while in the hospital. That's the only edible shit there - besides what's found in the candy machine down in the basement. 


Inevitable. You'll get some fucker who won't shut up, speaks too loud, snores like a whale, has 20 family members visiting at any one time, and stinks. I had one bitch call me an asshole. I countered by saying "Oh, I'm an a-line class-A asshole by any standard". I imagined smothering her with a pillow, but decided against it. I didn't want to get the pillow dirty with her stink. And then there are the general weirdos who will either sit too close on  your bed or ask really strange questions like "Do you know God loves you?". Know indeed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm just gonna throw a number of 800 beds/customers in a city. These are for overnight ass stitching to long term or the street. So, $10/day , brings you .. lets call it $3,000,000 a year in revenues. Pick ... 20 staff for the company that runs the TV services.. sales, technical, collections.. $50,000 a year for each of them.. $1,000,000 gone. As a 'cable provider' kiss bye to another $60,000 a year in carriage fees. Supplies, vehicle costs, location costs in each hospital (storage room, tech room)... another $1,000,000 in costs a year.

So on a good year, you are looking at maybe $800,000 clear if you are lucky. Liability Insurance must cost a fortune, upkeep of plants..

I'm actually not too surprised on the daily costs, or the fact the TV sets are old as shit.

With 1,000 beds, that is 1,000 installed units at $2,000 each for screen, arm, remote, wiring.. $2,000,000 worth of plant to build.

Payback is 2.5 years. And I could see having to shell out another $1,000,000 every five years for either technology upgrades or renovations.

So all said and done, you might clear $200,000 a year for the first 5 years.

This all assumes you put proper resources into maintaining the plant and good customer service.... not just 2 frantic Romanian technicians working for $6/hr who cover the whole city...

Just let me smoke my dope and listen to my Walkman. If someone doesn't steal it.