Tuesday, June 9, 2009

An Open Letter to General Motors

Dear General Motors,

As a Canadian tax payer and now forced owner of part of your company, I feel compelled to offer solid business advice in getting your auto business turned around. But before we can do that I have to prioritize what I think you should do, and in what order.

1. Get rid of every single Daewoo car you have in your inventory and crush them. You'll get more money from their raw resources than their new or residual values. And you'll save your future car owners a ton of money right off the bat by avoiding costly repairs to these pieces of shit cars. If you have existing customers with these cars, send them a letter offering a free detailing and cleaning. When they bring the car in, secretly remove the Chevy badges and replace them with Hyundai. They'll never know the difference.

2. Fire every single designer except those from the Corvette team. It's obvious they are the only ones who haven't sold their soul to the devil yet.

3. No more mixing parts between brands. Ever.

4. Begin induction into the Total Quality Management system. Hire ex Toyota people if you have to. I'm serious.

5. The next time someone in a design team meeting blurts out "Body Cladding" or "Plastic wheel covers", hit them repeatedly with moldy fruit. Better yet, force them to drive the company's Cobalt.

6. When referring to your competitors, refrain from using the phrase "Those guys" or "Asians" and even "Japs". Instead, use the phrase "Quality baseline" or "Reality check". 

7. Until the debt has been repaid to the Canadian and US taxpayers, there shall be no more elaborate Christmas parties.

8. The board of directors will be fired. In their place there will be strategically located punching bags. And on each bag will be a photo of Bob Lutz or Rick Wagoner.

9. Build small, fuel-efficent cars focusing mainly on safety, quality, value, and reliability. With the exception of the Corvette brand, all others will be discontinued.

10. No more celebrity endorsed advertising. Did you think Tiger Woods sold me on that horrendous Buick SUV? Didn't think so. It's a piece of crap.

That is all.

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