Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A Fictional Account of Rick Wagoner's Last Day at GM Part 2

12:30 I'm back in the office because I forgot my fucking keys in the desk. On my way back I accidentally run into Michael Moore. I deftly avoid him by pointing to the sky and yell "Look at that cool car!" and run away into a side office. Crawling on my hands and knees, I make my way into my office and get the keys. My coke buzz is wearing off and I'm getting a pounding headache.
12:35 I call my limo because I'm in no shape to drive, let alone walk. My limo driver, Charlie, knows exactly where to go on Fridays - Hooters. We head out and catch the lunch special & I use my GM corporate card and order a burger and fries. See, America? I'm a normal guy too ya know. After unsuccessfully trying to pickup several of the Hooters girls we head out and visit a local dealership. Things are not good there.  

1:20 PM I hold an interim manager meeting at the local GM dealership and shoot the breeze. They all ask me how GM's doing and the future of the company. Contrary to popular belief, I tell the truth; GM is in bad shape but I'm hopeful we can fix this ship. Obama's really been riding my ass lately, like the neighbors dog on your leg. Once he's on there it's really tough to shake him off. I tell my managers to continue their valiant fight; don't give up. For an extra touch I begin tearing up. At this moment I think about the hooker who stole 15 stacks from me a few weeks ago. I'll get that fucking bitch.

2:25 PM Back at the office, I decide to review the power point documents that my upper VP's have sent me. It's about forty slide decks and features possible plant closures, brand eliminations, and of course, massive layoffs. Slide 48 mentions a corporate 40% bonus of management is able to scale back 90% of their cuts within the estimated completion time. For fuck sakes folks. 40%? I wanted 60%.

3:00 Some irritating lady by the name of Nancy Grace is calling me from CNN. I tell her I can't talk right now. A few minutes later ANOTHER call from CNN - this time it's that hottie Lisa Bloom. I can't resist and take the call. Immediately, I regret it. They put me on-air right away and I was hooked up with that asshole Michael Moore again. It went something like this:

Moore: "I know you're there Wagoner. I know what you did to Flint, and what you're going to do to Detroit. "

Me: " Hellloooo? Oh....sawwwwy...meee nooo speeekie english"

Moore: "Cut it out Wagoner. The American people demand answers. Why is GM failing so badly? Why Rick? WHY?"

Me: "Why you little shi--- Ahem. Michael I'll have you know that I am working DAY and NIGHT to save this company. No stone or rock will be unturned. We're making a new chapter for General Motors."

I hang up the phone and walk to my closet to light a smoke. I wish it was 1985 again. Those were the days, easy days. No pressure, no stress, or worries. 

5:00 Quitting time. I schedule moving men to come in after 6 to move my shit. I instruct them to take every panel, piece of furniture, computer, and widescreen TV within a 30 foot radius of my office. If GM is playing hardball, that's the way she goes. That's the way of the road.

Peace out.

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