Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A Fictional Account of Rick Wagoner's Last Day at GM

Rick Wagoner. CEO of General Motors AND Executive Chairman, bitch!

Dated: March 27, 2009

05:00 Wake up. (Click link to check out my friggin' awesome house). My in-house staff have my Jamican blue coffee ready and already poured. But upon closer inspection I see she missed a single packet of sweet n' low. I fire the bitch.

05:10 I fire up the 60 inch Plasma hdtv and tune into CNN. I can't believe the shit they're saying about me. How DARE they! I mean, come on... I'm the most LOVED guy at General Motors, bar none! Anderson Cooper is looking pretty damn good these days. My mind wanders.

05:20 I fell asleep in the chair. Why didn't my chef wake me up? Fuck. I'll have to fire that asshole too.

06:00 Driving my red Ferrari, I arrive at GM bright and early, before any of those other low-paying motherfuckers get in. I login to my workstation and immediately begin scoping out Craigslist for some high level prostitutes. I've also got this annoying craving for BC weed and oxy's. Weird.

06:30 SUCCESS! I've saved the day! Thank God! Everything's going to be OK now. I managed to get Anikka Kalmikov and Anita Teterin from my Craigs list hookup. They've agreed to show up at 09:00 posing as clients. Meanwhile, I check my stock options and cash out at $1.55. Fuck, at this rate I'll need to dump the entire collection in order for me to renew my golf membership at Foxwoods. Fuck sakes.

07:00 I found a small stash of coke in the back of my desk. Using my Visa black card, I divvy up a few lines and go to town. I'm feeling pretty fucking good at the moment. Where the fuck is Anikka and Anita?

08:00 I call my secretary and request an announcement to go out to all staff: Immediately, there will no longer be free Starbucks coffee offered in the executive lounge. We have to make hard and deep cuts in these times of financial stress. Instead, Dunkin' Donuts coffee will be offered with a complimentary donut or muffin.

08:30 I kill a half hour trying to figure out my fucking voice mail. Some asshole by the name of Michael Moore keeps wanting to see me. What the fuck does he want? Flint is dead, give it up, it'll never come back. Back to my workstation, I check the daily top 20 e-mails that have been filtered for me to review. Same old bullshit - Union complaints, Retiree bitching about this and that, and those annoying asshole customers who keep wanting to send me thank you cards. I wish people would just leave me alone.

09:00 Good news, Anikka and Anita arrive right on time. I discreetly tell the secretary that we'll be in private meetings for the next two hours and can't be disturbed. I lead the two exotic Russian ladies to my private back office and flick the switch, exposing a custom made S&M dungeon. It was put in there by the previous CEO and I had to leave it. I mean, who can not love leather bondage gear? I pull a riding crop off the wall and hand it to Anikka. "Hit me like a little bitch" I instruct her. She complies. In between the lines of Coke and Weed, I pull a few hits of Crystal Meth just to intensify the action. Anita begins beating me with boxing gloves. After two hours, I'm left bloody and exhausted in the corner of my office. 

11:30 I wake up and clean myself off. Obama is pretty pissed and he's been calling me steady all morning. Good thing I have my staff otherwise I would have told him to mind his friggin' business. 

12:00 I break for lunch. On my way out I tell my VP of Human Resources that I've had a life changing moment and will need to speak with him on Sunday. He looks at me puzzled but agrees. I shake my head. "No, we're not getting together...it's something else..."


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