Thursday, April 9, 2009

An Open Letter to Chrysler and GM

[Factoid: My girlfriend/wife/SO is better and should be out of I.C.U. in the next few days. To celebrate, I've decided to write an open letter to GM and Chrysler]

Dear GM and Chrysler,

I know you're both going through difficult times. These bailout packages must be hard on your pride to accept, and since as a Canadian taxpayer I am forced to support your two failing companies, I feel there is a need to address some suggestions to both your companies since I am in a way a shareholder of GM and Chrysler now.

General Motors:

You and I go way back - almost 30 years. I remember riding in my uncles Buick from Winnipeg to Portage La Prairie. The empty booze bottles on the floor of the old blue Buick, being driven in comfort and style and relative safety for the early 80's. My heart was crushed when you decided to kill off the Pontiac Aztec or the Chevy Cavalier. Fortunately, I have some suggestions on how to save your failing business.

1. Get rid of every single model line except for the Chevrolet Corvette ZR1
2. Fire all unionized workers immediately. Fire all managers, and also all temp Fridays.
3. Use an elite team of Navy SEALS to capture (covertly) 20,000 Nigerian scammers. Be sure to capture Mr. Labagolas too, as he owes me approximately 50 million US dollars from his father's inheritance.
4. Begin building the ZR1 in Mexico with the Nigerian scammers. Also, force them to work evenings doing call center scamming. Might as well use them for what they're worth.
5. Price the ZR1 in a reasonable price range: $40,000 US dollars, MAX.


I get all achy breaky when I think about the 70's land yachts such as the Chrysler New Yorker, Fifth Avenue, and the fabled Chrysler Cordoba with the real Corinthian leather. For the love of all things holy, bring back the K-car. Please. We need it. America needs it. Canada needs it. And lets face it, it was the best vehicle you ever built since 1985. Let's go through my suggestion list on how you can save your business, shall we?

1.Fire Nardelli and hire a chimp in his place. I can fill this position with myself if you can give me two weeks.
2. Move all production to Germany immediately.If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
3. Dump all product lines - everything, even the Viper.
4. Begin copying the Tata Nano and implement phase 1: Copy the Indians.
5. Sell the Chrysler Kano for $6,900 dollars and throw in a free plasma TV screen.

That's it.

Pretty simple hmm?

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