Friday, February 13, 2009

Worst and Best Moments of my Driving Time

In my years of driving I have had many best and worst moments of my life. Admittedly, most of the worst were due to my crappy driving habits or idiotic decisions.

Rule #1: Your car is not a tank

In as much as I'd like to think my small compact Subaru is a tank.... it is not. And indeed, I regret my highway driving decision to overtake a jeep and decide "I could take that snowbank in my lane" attitude. I promptly spun out and hit the Jeep with my bumper. Thank God, nothing else happened. But I ended up getting bumped into high risk insurance and also scaring the crap out of my girlfriend. Lesson learned: When the weather is shit, drive like a normal person and not like an idiot.

Rule #2: Mirrors can lie

I remember the experience like it was yesterday. But in reality this was back in 1994, back when jobs were scarce and I was desperate to work. To be honest I never wanted the job as a disabled van taxi driver, but I had no choice. I was living at home and I needed to work. My first shift in, I decided to back the van using my mirrors. Big mistake. I was driving an ancient Dodge van that was enormous: it had that extra 4 foot extension on the back making it longer than any pickup truck or van out there. The ramp for the wheelchair blocked my rear view window. I ended up backing into a brand new red Ford Mustang GT. The lady I backed into was pretty pissed off. I can't blame her one bit.

Rule #3: Dodge Omnis Really Do Suck Ass

My 1984 Chevy 1/2 ton pickup truck was in the body shop getting fixed after some idiot neighbor backed into my truck's rear quarter panel. My reward for this was getting a piece of shit 1984 Dodge Omni as the temporary car. The car was so bad I had to keep my foot on the gas pedal at red lights in order for the vehicle to NOT stall out. When the headlights were on, they flickered heavily. It had absolutely no power and little to no heat. The radio didn't work. The steering and brakes were manual, and quite frankly, driving this piece of shit car in -30 C weather was hellish. If I had a shotgun I probably would have used it on the car in order to put it out of it's misery. The Omni was really that bad.

Rule #4: When your brother offers to drive, DON'T let him

The year was 1990 and my brother and I were out in Sandilands, Manitoba hunting for wild chickens. To be honest I never hunted them; I was only around for the driving. You see, we'd drive up and down these damn roads all morning and all afternoon looking for birds on the road. At one point in the day I made the mistake of letting my brother drive the truck. The sand in that area was very loose. We ended up getting the rear tires stuck right up to the bloody axels; in order to get out of this situation we had to dig a hole around the rear wheels and use the spare tire as a blocking jack. We ended up destroying the spare tire but eventually got out of there. I think we also burned up the clutch in the process too. When in doubt, don't let your brother drive your truck.

Rule #5: If Your Spider Senses Are Tingling, Don't Speed

Speeding and driving go hand in hand if you're not careful. I got a speeding ticket once when I passed this ancient ford truck. A blacked out Ford Mustang Police Interceptor pulled me over immediately and slapped me with a $90 ticket. That was back in 1993. Tickets now cost about $350 dollars! Don't make a mistake and speed if you SUSPECT the cops are around. Be sensible. Don't take risks that are not worth it. Speed in moderation and only when necessary. Now when I drive I set the cruise control. It not only prevents me from speeding, but when tailgaters get on my ass, they quickly move around me after realizing I won't speed up. I once had this fucker tailgate me for miles and miles.... and guess what? It was a fucking unmarked police car! I was right!

Feel free to share your stories. I'll post them here if you comment.

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