Friday, July 18, 2008

Worst Drivers On the Road Today

Everyone has encountered a bad driver while on the road. I shall summarize some of the most annoying and dangerous drivers out there. While I enjoy making fun of these assholes, be assured that everyone at some point in their life has done at least one of the things I will list below. So think about that before throwing stones.

Speed Demons

This accident actually happened in the UK. A driver was going too fast on a country road and ended up plowing into a pony. The small horse died instantly as it went head first through the windshield. The driver was killed in that same instant.


Folks who insist on driving close to your rear bumper are dangerous drivers. They do not care for your safety, their own, nor anyone else on the road. They only want to annoy the hell out of you. Tailgating usually includes the use of high-beam lights and honking of the horn. Really angry and driving erratic, these people will try to chase you down city streets or highways. First off, don't panic. The most important thing to do is NEVER SLAM ON THE BRAKES. You are inviting more trouble if you do this. Because the person behind you has an advantage of being behind you, you don't know if he or she is reaching for a gun. The best suggestion? Take them to the nearest police station. I gaurantee they will not drive and follow you to it. And if they do? Stay in the car and call the police. Even better.... phone the police while going to the police station. The point is, it's not worth losing your life over. If you try and drive like an idiot through the city, you may kill an innocent bystanding. Also, the person chasing you may have a better / faster car than you do.

Day Dream Drivers

These people really annoy the fuck out of me. Usually they are driving very slow and making frequent random stops. They are generally lost, so a big clue is if they start to hunt for house numbers from their car. How you react to these drivers depends on what kind of mood you are in. I generally pass these people as soon as I see them. If I am in a real angry mood I will save my horn at just the moment my hood passes the drivers side door for maximum offensiveness. If the people in the car are very old /elderly... refrain from doing this. They do not know what they do. Instead, pull up and ask them if they need any help. If they begin chatting about the incredible weather.... pull away very quickly and don't look back.

Mario Andretti Lane Hoppers

These fuckers annoy the hell out of me. They find it impossible to stay in one lane. Instead, they play a real life game of frogger with their own vehicle. Their goal? To get ahead as many car lengths as possible. The reward? Pissing other drivers off. These folks can be found to drive ANY kind of vehicle. I've seen minivans, trucks, sports cars, shit box cars, motorcycles, and even scooters. An easy way to fuck with these assholes is to block them in. It sounds petty but the goal is to form a rolling roadblock using other traffic around the driver. If you've ever seen COPS on Fox TV, you'll understand what I mean by this. Now there are risks to this behavior. The driver will no doubt get outraged and challenge you to a streetfight. Resist the temptation. Instead, roll up the windows and make the teary-eyed motion as if you are wiping up your tears. Let your imagination be your limits. The only real danger is if you are at a stop light and this fucker jumps out of his car and challenges you to a fight. At this point you have two choices: Fight or run. If you can fight or feel you have a semi-decent chance, then you shouldn't fight. If you can't fight or don't want to, get the hell out of there. Who knows if this guy has a glock hidden down his pants. But if you feel you are invincible like Kimbo Slice or can hit like The Iceman Chuck Liddel? Go for it. But if you seriously hurt this guy you could be on the hook for his medical bills.

Rapping White Trash Wanna Be Gangsters

Annoying as fuck. They play rap music way too loud. Often you can hear their bass blasting pieces of their car apart. The vehicles are usually low-end import cars like older Honda Civics, Acura Integras, or Eagle Talons. Some even drive old Ford Mustangs or Pickup Trucks. They all wear backwards baseball caps. Just today I had some fuckwit give me a hard look as I drove by in my Subaru Impreza. I had my windows rolled up and the A/C on. This douchbag was driving a Toyota Prelude with his windows down. It's a girls car for fuck sakes. My car is pretty loud when the A/C is on and the engine revs up every 45 seconds. It's the A/C pump moving coolant through to the evaporator. I can't help it. The car revs too quickly and sounds like I am doing it. But I am not. Fuuuuuck you douchbag Prelude driver!

More to come....

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