Saturday, July 19, 2008

More Dangerous Drivers


They drive big Hummer H1's or other large beasts on the highway and try to drive like a race car driver. I've even encountered one drivng a Porsche Cayenne S on a country road. So what makes regular SUV drivers stand out and appear to be assholes? When they drive like maniacs and begin passing all traffic on the highway. If someone gets on your ass and you are in the right hand lane, just stay there. Let them pass you. They will more than likely flip over trying to swerve back and forth between lanes. No stability control system can prevent a rather tall vehicle from turning over because it's center of gravity has shifted due to an extreme lane change or object avoidance.


Pass them when it is safe to do so. If you try to ride behind them to attempt to 'draft' their air stream, don't bother. These beasts of burden are usually found driving slower than the speed limit and towing a variety of vehicles behind them. Some even have satellite dishes strapped to the roof. The real hell begins if you are caught behind one of these things on an undivided highway. Then you are forced to stay behind or you'll die in a head-on accident if you try to pass them. The really big motorcoaches can cost several million dollars when fully kitted out. No matter they're as slow as the rest of them. On the complete opposite side of the spectrum are those folks who continue to drive those God awful VW Vanagons. Remember those? The big boxy buses that VW made during the late 70's, 80's, and into the 90's. The vast majority of them belch a stinky blue smoke because the engine is on it's last legs. I've never encountered one that didn't do this. The second annoying thing is these vans are slow and loud. Expect 0-60 times in the late 30 seconds range. 


I'm sure we've all seen these fuckers drive their motorcycles through traffic, splitting lanes, cutting drivers off, giong well above the speed limit. The popular bikes are the R1, Hyabus, and Ninja. Annoyingly, they drive in two or three to a group. And instead of driving single file they typically drive two or three across, spanning more than one lane. Riding their bikes without any regard for others, they can be seen pulling wheelies and stoppies and burnouts. The most typical way for these people to die are under steering in corners and hitting a tree or telephone pole. I have no problem with motorcyclists who obey traffic rules and go the speed limit, or maybe a tiny touch over. But these folks are the same ones found wearing backwards baseball caps and listening to the latest album from NAS.


We all know the world will end either by alien invasion or we run out of oil. But in the middle of all this the SMUG Hybrid drivers around the world are causing an unnatural amount of self-centered asshole SMUGness clouds to form. You may not know but it takes more natural resources to build a hybrid than it does to create a conventional gasoline or diesel car. So how do you spot the SMUG asshole? Easy. They usually drive conspicuous vehicles like Toyota Highlander Hybrid, Lexus 600h, or even the Toyota Prius. It's easy to find them - just look for the greenpeace or earth day stickers on their vehicles. They especially enjoy beaming at red lights when their cars shut down and run entirely on battery power. They seem to enjoy driving slowly off the start to lengthen the amount of time the car runs on pure battery power. Do these smug assholes know that it costs 6 thousand dollars to replace those batteries after 6 years? I pass 'em like they're standing still. I was crossing the Halifax-Dartmouth bridge and this asshole ina Lexus 600h was SPEEDING across going over 80 km/hour. The speed limit is 50. Fucking assholes.

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