Thursday, April 24, 2008

I'm a terrible navigator

I'd a terrible navigator. Without a GPS device, or writing down simple directions, you can bet that I will fuck up getting anywhere. Case in point: today I managed to get one of my co-workers lost in Minneapolis today, from our hotel to the customer site. It's not that fucking hard, really, but once you screw up, it's like a domino pattern.

And of course I am too proud to admit I am lost. "Is the turn off for highway 5 there yet" the driver asks me? I lie and say it's further down the road. Why admit defeat? 10 minutes later we back track and find the proper road. But then we miss an important turn-off. Another back track, more swearing, and cursing from other drivers around us. The speed limit is 65 but we are hitting 90 now. Cars are flying by and old men with hats driving Buick LeSabres are slowly crawling in the far right-lane. Their blinker lights going on and on, and nobody letting them in. It's rather sad but a fact of life: I'm a horrible navigator.

If the world famous WRC driver Colin McRae had me as his navigator, I know deep in my heart I'd put us in a tree on turn 4. I'd be yelling "FULL FULL FULL" and too late; we'd be rolling through a hairpin wayyy to fast and making a memorable rally crash. I asked Subaru if I could be one of their Rally drivers and I got laughed at. I can famously drift my Impreza in parkinglots - how hard could rallying be anyway?

Oh sure those lads at the WRC have super-hopped up cars with magic throttle switches that put the engine in to super performance. (They're called the staging switch I believe). But the WRC drivers are nothing more than high speed taxi drivers when you think about it. Sure you have this annoying person next to you giving directions every few seconds, advice on how you should drive and such. It reminds me of my ex-wife when she'd nag my driving technique.

But the GARMIN GPS is an awesome little device. The taxi driver who took us to the hotel had an ex-police Interceptor car. Totally cool. The car still had the "Police Interceptor" sticker on the back bumper. Inside the car, you could clearly see the cutouts of where the prisoner cage had been. At that moment in time I had a mental flashback of what it would be like in the back of a police car. God knows how many dirty scumbags sat in the back of this cab. I really like the turn-by-turn navigation. Even the computer lady's voice sounds a bit nice. But to be really effective it should be the drill sergeant from Hamburger Hill. "Bullshit! I bet you aren't even nice enough to give a fellow a reach-around! Now left on highway 5, you MAGGOT!".


No comments: