Saturday, March 12, 2011

2005 Altima

















The Altima is doing good. Although I have to admit, the car is big. I mean, shit, it's huge. The engine is not bad - 2.5L, 175 bhp...same one in the SE-R Sentra apparently. The exhaust is loud. I noticed this when I put the car in park. It likes to idle really fast for some reason. I suspect the air flow sensor needs checking or maybe the throttle cable needs lubricating. The 4-2 kickdown on full throttle is hard enough but it is still annoying loud. I cleaned up the engine bay a little bit today. Grease and oil were on the shroud, which I removed and began cleaning up. Ominously, I noticed the hood is remarkably new. And there are plastic pieces missing on the front clip. I examined the frame: It was good - no hits. So obviously this car was in an accident at one time. All hoses and cables appear to be in good condition. The battery is old: Circa 2005, it's the original from Nissan and still has the factory sticker on it. No doubt I'll need to replace it sometime in the future.


And then, while tooling about on a drive today, I made a horrific discovery. People who drive Nissan Altimas are elderly and have walkers when they get out of the car. Everywhere I turned I saw the aged and infirmed driving about in Nissan Altimas. And unlike Subaru, which are likely to be driven by people who wear backwards baseball hats (me) or Lesbians, there is actual ROOM in the car. 


And so I decided to create a checkbox questionnaire for everyone. Would you please fill it out and e-mail me your results? (1chrisstoneSPAMMERS@gmail.com). remove the word spammers.


Question 1: Are you over the age of 40?


Question 2: Have you recently discovered that half the women you look at, that you're old enough to be their father?


Question 3: Do you have ear hair AND: Do you shave it regularly?


Question 4: When you hear Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber on the radio, do you wish you could shoot yourself? Do you pine for Pink Floyd or Led Zepplin ?


Question 5: Are you attracted to the color brown? Is your average age of your furniture older than 15 years?


Question 6: Do you have a hard time using the HVAC controls on your car?


Question 7: Do you hum along when you hear 70's music?


Question 8: Do you lay awake at night pining to own a Porsche, Lamborghini,  Ferrari, or Corvette?


Question 9: Do you know what the term "Four on the floor" means?


Question 10: You run, not walk, away from Pickup trucks and (especially) if there's a dog in the back?


If you've answered YES to any of the above questions, then yes, congratulations! You have qualified to own a Nissan Altima!


And indeed, the Old Man's Car has some redeeming features. It proves you've given up. There's nothing really to show off about anymore. Sure, if it had 300 bhp, and maybe a leather interior, you'd have something to shout about. But because the car is so boring, so old, and so unassuming, the police will even ignore you. You no longer have to fear being pulled over by the police, because they SIMPLY WILL NOT SEE YOU. 


Do you own an old man's car? Give me a shout on twitter! I'd love to hear your stories.

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