Monday, August 16, 2010

Reasons Why I don't take the fucking bus












1. Roaming gangs at night loooooooooove to jack your shit, take your MP3 player, then beat the ever loving shit out of you. And don't think just because you gave your stuff THEY are NOT gonna beat your ass. It's entertainment to them! Gangs of 6-10 youths including young women and men roam both Halifax and Dartmouth at night. You out late after 10pm? Expect to be jacked if you're alone. Or carry. It's your choice. Just the other week a young guy got his bike ripped off AND he got his ass beat by 10 people on the street. About a block away from where I live. Fuck sakes!

2. Some people really stink

Lets face it - not everyone has the same body cleanliness as normal people. Some people you encounter on the bus haven't taken showers or baths in not only weeks, but maybe months or even years. They literally STINK like shit, dried piss, sweat, and nasty body odour that occurs on everyone. Look, I shower every day OK? Body odour accumulates quickly on me. So I gotta shower - not a problem. It's also called being civilized. We no longer live in caves folks. Get to the fucking shower. 

3. Fat assholes taking up 2, or 3 seats

I'm sorry, but if your BMI is higher than your age, you should really be doing something about your fat ass instead of sitting on it. That big, hairy, stinky, sweaty asshole sitting in the end using up two seats? Make him RUN behind the motherfucking bus! Work that fat ass! Hell, strap him in the back during winter time and use his weight for extra traction in the snow. 

 4. Crazy Homeless People

They have a right to take the bus, like anyone else. But I don't want to get into a weird conversation with someone on how they discovered the dog next door was telling them they should kill the President of the United States of America. Usually (and sadly) off medication, the homeless are easy pickings for gangs of thieves who roam the streets at night looking for victims to fuel their drug addictions. I had one homeless lady accuse me of stealing her bank card information! For real bitches.

5. Asshole Bus Drivers

You know those cranky motherfuckers who drive so slow, or decide to NOT stop where you asked them to because "It's not on their route stop"... They enjoy their little power trips and likely fantasize about enslaving their passengers. The most annoying bus drivers are the ones who tell bad jokes or try to SING while driving. Or they drive like they are in a Porsche and try to beat people in performance cars around corners. Who are they kidding? Really?

6. Loud Celly Bitches

Those fluffy headed bitches who yap endlessly to their girlfriends or boyfriends about absolutely NOTHING and insist on talking loud. Not only that, they also insist on turning up the volume of their cell phone so they can use it like a speaker phone. It's like they assume everyone wants to hear their own personal and private business. Its' fucking pathetic and rude.

7. Wild Children from Hell

Climbing over chairs and seats, oblivious to strangers, yelling, crying, shitting, and screaming, all a bonus to the day to day bus rider. Where are the parents? See #6 for an explanation on that one. Most annoyingly, they take 3-4 kids and almost always badger the driver to drop them off somewhere way off the fucking bus line. This isn't a cab you stupid bitch.

8. Weirdos

If you can't decide whether the guy behind you looks like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho or Anthony Hopkins from Silence of the Lambs, don't worry: You won't know what hit you when a true sociopath crosses your path. If you leave the bus and some weirdo follows you out, immediately turn around and stop to face them. Begin talking into your sleeves as if you were talking to a co-worker and having an argument over who gets to pay for the dinner bill. The weirdo will think YOU'RE nuts. Nobody messes with schizo's.

9. Taking a bus SUCKS ASS

Let me ask you: Which one of these lines sounds cooler to you?

a) "Me? Oh I drove in on the I-95 in the Porsche 911 Turbo this morning"

b) "Me? I took the 50 bus in and then connected using the train"

c) "Me? I rode my 10-speed into work, avoided being killed by the 50 bus and almost got clipped by a Porsche".

10. Transfers

Transfer papers are fucking useless. The idea is to being able to pay only ONE time if your ride destination is within an hour trip. It's not usable on returns and if you lose your transfer sheet or accidentally rip it, the driver can refuse it & you'll have to pay.

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