Friday, April 18, 2008

Got a crappy car? Follow my friendly advice.

You may have walked by a virtual wreck at least once in your life. They're hard to miss, really. The poorly aligned body panels, the cheap crappy accessories shoddily bolted to the hood or tail gate... oh where does it end? Just today as I was exiting the Vacuum Repair Shop, I spotted this horrible Cavalier with enormous body panels (not pictured). I snapped a shot of it with my crackberry phone and I'll upload it later this week.

Were you expecting daily blog updates? My most sincere apologies. Somewhere between 8 am and 6 pm - I have this crazy thing called work. And all those random bits around it - my life. But I digress - so you have a piece of shit car. What do you do with it? Let me tell you what to do with it. Stand back, grab a pen and paper, and take notes.

Decorate It: Yes dammit, decorate that car. Glue as many trophies, golf balls, childrens toys, and any relic from the 1980's to the car. In fact you could make it a virtual shrine of used Tim Hortons Coffee cups if you were creative enough. God knows it might keep the beggars away from you at red lights. Go beyond boring and glue some astro turf to the hood and body panels. Paint the car bright safety orange. Be bold: Draw two large black stripes down the center and write the word "HEMI" on the side of it. It just sounds good.

Beat the fuck out of it: With hammers, wrenches, and hockey sticks, get your friends over and beat the ever loving shit out of the car. Don't hold back - the car will know. It'll feed off this weakness and mock you one day by breaking down the side of the road. But you are strong - be the master. Be the motherfucker into oblivion. Don't be shy either - take to every piece of glass while you're at it. And stomp the mirrors off while you are at it.

Make it a convertible: For $25.00 you can rent this incredible tool called a "Saws All". With this reciprocating blade of hell, you could in theory cut the roof off your car. But if you own a minivan, beware: Because the minivan is so large, if you cut the roof off, you risk collapsing the actual unibody panels. Build a brace that goes sideways across the car before you do this. If it's just a regular small car, don't worry about it. The car will hold up fine. Don't even THINK about building a soft top for it. Let the animals and birds crap all over the thing. Allow leaves to live in the back seats, and when it rains, feel free to throw some flower seeds in the back. You'd be surprised what can grow back there.

Name it: And when you're all done, you have to name the car. Think clearly for a few moments while you decide on the name. Don't be stupid and call the car something like "Bambi" or "Baby". You want a really badass name like "Jeffrey Dahmer" or "John Wayne Gacey". If you really feel like a monster, call it Michael Jackson. Oh that hurt.

My 2c.

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